Busy, busy busy.....

Nowadays i'm sooo busy with my life that i hardly have the time to blog. And why is that so; you might ask? Well, it's partly because of my love and school....

You see, i spend all my free time with him... And i mean ALL.... The only time i'm not with him is when i'm in class and washroom. Hahaha.... Back to the point, i'm not that happy nowadays. My love is sad and i have a dream that'll never see the light of the day.

Ever since i'm a little girl, i have always hope to have a life like those in a fairy tale. Prince charming will appear in my life, he'll bring me to a ball and ask me to be with him forever.... People will be happy for us, people will be jealous for i have a prince's heart. Just like Cinderella on her first ball. Then i shall be his bride.... Live happily ever after. Well, all those will just be a shattered dreams. My prince is here... but he won't ask me that question on my first ball. The course of the story have change. It won't be a fairy tale anymore. All my life i've been living hard to the dream and suddenly all of it is gone.

And it's not my prince fault. You see, when he heard about my dreams he wanted to realise it. It's me who say no... i don't want him to be my bf. He'll be unfaithful, he'll compare me with other girl, he'll hurt me, he'll break my heart, he'll judge me... When that time comes he wouldn't love me anymore for he will be treating me like an object. He say he'll change but the heart of a human.... Human yearns to remain the same.... Changing is difficult. Being a new being with different characteristic is difficult.

I think i'm in darkness now. Being with him the whole day but i couldn't feel his presence as strong as before. Not to say i don't have feeling for him anymore... I do.... In fact i love him and adore him very much. It just feels like i'm in a pitch dark place with no light to shine my way. He used to be my light... He used to light up my way. Now, i felt liek i'm lost, felt like i'm drowning... I'm not really sure what causes this. Part of it is bacause he's always sad... part of it is because i started to lost control... I ruined alot of things with my own bare hand. I ruin my life, friendship... I'm really scare if i ruin him one day... I'm already started to act like a b*tch infront of him. I'm very unstable nowadays.

Today, as i'm having my lunch, a dirt flew past me and give me my birthday present. I don't even care.... Stupid people like him just annoys me... People like him make me sad, make me angry, make me uncontrolable.... The only thing that can subdue this feeling is christians song... So i listen to them throughout the time.... Then someone whom i love annoys me, give comment because i listen to those songs. It's really not any nasty comment. In fact, it came out the joking way. I don't even know why it hurt me so much. I got soo angry and yet i hide it up and continue to act stupid in front of them.

Now i feel extremely sad... I don't want to meet anyone.... Not even the one that i love. Maybe i need some time out from all this things. I hate my life now. He keep making me sad.... I keep making myself sad... Stupid people keep making me sad....

I've think about all this things for a long time... Maybe i should be mature... maybe i should grow up and stop being a child anymore. Maybe i should stop making a fool of myself infront of these people. Being mature sounds to be a good solution.... Sounds that it'll get me out of troubles... Stop acting like a kid in front of my love.... Stop doing all those stupid stuff that i used to do with him. Maybe that's the way.......

For now, all i need is a time out. A time out from everything for i'm tired of everything even my relationship with my love. Until i find my betterself, that's what i'll do..... Stop mixing witht hem too often.